I could not endure it anymore. It was like a part of me dying slowly. she wanted to live but in a disgusting manner. he won’t go out of her. She won’t allow that to happen. Always searching for that one communication and the answer to one question was agonising her.
The enormous pain which I could feel was not letting me live. Being a part of her, I could know what she was going through. I was seeing her dying every single moment but with no chance of that freedom.
Making the thoughts of a failed relationship her only companion was something that would eventually pull off that last breath out of her body. Even that gusto of air was constituted of those moments which she thought were eternal.
But eternal is nothing. Nothing lasts forever. That is what I would try to say to her. Consoling her to let it go and look for beauty of the nature and the world around her and search for a reason to survive.
Plenty of beautiful things around us make our life worth living even if the death was inevitable. That would not make any sense to a person who loved once and perhaps only time.
Giving all she had only to be dejected and depressed. I am not sure if that state of mind is depression or dejection or anything negative. If it was so she would not be enjoying it. May be she could have committed suicide.
She felt different. Something which everybody feels but can’t explain. Science and medicine give it a name and people start making definitions and over a period of time it becomes a stereotype.
That twin of mine was in pain but she loved it. I thought she is suffering but she found something good in it.
At the same time she would cry, call her friends, go into solitude, won’t talk to me, won’t discuss anything… Just it was she and her with herself in a platonic world hoping that on some good day something good will happen and it was worth waiting for.
Sure, he was worth waiting for but both of us knew it won’t happen. It was like setting your alarm clock every night hoping that you will be alive next morning as if nothing could kill you that day.
I became sure that he is not going to come. He has had her share of life with her and was busy with somebody else. She believed me but still waited.
It started taking a toll and she started losing weight. Memory started gradually fading (on her standards). She would eat less, won’t go anywhere, won’t socialise… Just a wait, a long, long wait. An unending wait with perks of added agony and angst.
At times she would get angry on why did she do that. I would say it happens with everyone and she was not the first. She took something very seriously whereas he was smart enough to take it causally.
The intimacy which they both shared was something very spiritual for my twin but of a lesser and perhaps negligible degree to him. She believed it brought her closer to his soul and he thought it was good fun.
I could sense that feeling from the guy the moment he pronounced those deadly words on his phone and subsequent months. But it was deadly on someone whose world was centred on him.
It was like snatching something from a kid who believes that is everything she owns and there is no existence without that ‘thing’.
That ‘thing’ was brutally taken away from her without an explanation.
“Look at you… what have you made of yourself! If not for me but live for your mother, father and sister… Will they ever be happy knowing what you are going through…”
“…”
“Answer me and don’t stand and stare in to the ground. This people call ‘giving in’. Instead of fighting those feelings which had made you weak, you are preserving them to harm you. Get away from it.”
“What should I do? Delete his images, mails, posts…. Memories? Can they ever be deleted? Those were the best days of my life…”
“Oh! And what about the last 25 years you spend with your family? What about that father who did everything to make ends meet for the family but let you live like a princess? What about that mother? What about that sister? And what about me? I am a nobody? Are they all suddenly irrelevant just because of that bastard of yours?”
“Don’t call him ‘that’.”
“Aaah… Then will you define what was he if not that who keeps going everywhere…”
“he was not like that. he loved me…”
“Loved you? Is this state of yours called being loved? You are screwed and he is the sole reason of it. I don’t understand why can’t you realise and accept this.”
“Because I love him and cherish all those days…”
“Bullshit… And what about him? He got another of his many companies… Why don’t you get it. He just had his share with you. Does that not make any sense to you?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t want to know. You don’t have the bloody guts to know. You are a coward who is fearful of the reality.”
“I am not a coward. I am not fearful…”
“Yes, you are. You have to accept that he was not worthy of gals like you who are too much involved into a relationship. He was looking for some fun. I hope you understand ‘fun’… Do you?”
“Don’t give me this again. I don’t want to hear your logic. I want to be alone… Leave me alone. Go away…”
That discussion went on for long before I decided to do what I always feared.
“Damn it! I will end this all. I will end it soon… let me help you with this…”
Those were the last words I said to her. I could not take it anymore. I wanted to end this all and that’s what I did.
I jumped on her frail body and before she could say anything, strangled her. I could still hear her fading sound of the struggle… that sound which couldn’t come freely from her vocal chords.
Lying on the floor, face down, clutching her neck in the struggle to live, she died after sometime.
I killed her to set her free and make her understand and feel in death- what she could not, in life. RIP.
